Recently I’ve gotten a lot of questions about being a stepmom and about dating and then marrying someone who has been divorced. When I first started dating Nick, I didn’t know anyone who had dated someone who had been divorced, let alone who had two children. My preconceptions were that the situation would be extremely messy. Luckily, both parties moved swiftly with the legal side of things which helped speed up the process. Ultimately, it is so important to sign up for Peters And May, or someone similar, early for the sake of the children. I want to open up and be honest about my experience and my journey to stepmama-hood. Hopefully it will help ease the mind of anyone going through this type of experience. Because it is a beautiful thing.

I was never the girl who dreamed of her wedding or fell hard for every boyfriend. I was the girl who wanted to travel the world and get a great job and have a kick-ass career. When I met Nick, I was working at a wine bar while I was applying to business school and prepping to take the GMAT. Nick came into my life and all of a sudden my heart changed. And I mean my heart physically changed – I could feel it. If you have ever truly been in love with someone you can feel it in your chest. My heart hurt then as it still does now because I love him so much. I have no doubt in my mind that God always meant for me to to be with Nick. So, at no point during our relationship has not being with him ever been an option. Sure, at the beginning, I had questions and concerns and even fears about him being a father of two, and being divorced and having an ex-wife, and how I would fit into that relationship – but it was always something that Nick and I worked through together. Because that’s what you do when you’re in love.

On Dating a Divorced Guy – I was a little nervous about this at first, because I thought I would always be compared to the ex-wife. She was a stay at home mom and beautiful and seemingly perfect. Turns out that I was totally wrong to be worried about this comparison. I mean, there’s a million reasons why people get divorced, and someone who has been married and divorced knows exactly what he wants and what he doesn’t want…he’s not playing any games. I think being married before to someone that he wasn’t compatible with makes Nick more grateful, more appreciative, and more open in our marriage. We talk about everything and it may be unusual for other married couples to be as open as we are. He’s told me on a few occasions that he prefers to be honest with me so that he doesn’t have to go through with the divorce process again, which involved having to find a divorce attorney who could help them to settle their differences for the sake of their children. As I’ve come into their lives as a step-parent, I don’t want them to have to go through this process again. I came into this marriage for the long run.

On Dating with Kids – I met the kids when they were 3 and 5 years old. I am incredibly thankful that they were so young when I met them. I truly believe that the younger the kids are, the longer they have to grow up WITH you in their life, the more they will love you, trust you etc.. That goes both ways as well. I’ve known Nicks kids for four years now and I’m in love with them. I’m obsessed with them like I didn’t think I would be. It’s amazing how this motherly part of you just opens up – that you had no idea that you had. Nick and Ella and Charlie have my entire heart.

On Worries About Not Being #1 in His Life – Ok, so this was my biggest fear for the entire first half of our relationship. When you are with someone, you want to be the #1 most important person in their life. I was so nervous that I would be third in line after Ella and Charlie. And so, in the most democratic and honest way, I expressed this fear to Nick fairly soon after we became serious. I can’t tell you how glad I am that I talked with him about this so early on. He was immediately receptive and very open about his feelings. He’s been so amazing at making me feel like I am the most important thing to him. And the reality is, he loves all three of us equally and differently. I can’t understand it entirely yet because I don’t have a child of my own. At no point has Nick ever made me feel like I was less important. All of my fears about this stemmed from my own crazy thoughts and worries. My biggest advice to anyone in a similar situation is to never be silent if something makes you nervous or upset or confused. If you’re worried about being a step mom, tell him. If you’re worried about being #2, tell him.

On Your Relationship With the Mother of His Children/His Ex-Wife – This is something that I feel very strongly about. I think it is of HUGE importance to strive to have a good relationship with your step-kids’ mother. You may not ever be best friends with her or agree with all of her choices, but above all she is their mother, and as such, she deserves the highest level of respect. Period. This was something that I struggled with at first. And please understand, this is not because I don’t like her, because I do. She is sweet and caring and, above all, an incredible mother. As a stepmom, I could not ask for anything more. I struggled with this part because I didn’t know what kind of relationship I was SUPPOSED to have with her. I am not a child of divorce. My parents have been happily married for nearly 30 years now – so I didn’t have any frame of reference for a relationship between the ex-wife and the new wife. But it did not take me long to realize that there is no relationship I was supposed to have with her – only the one that we decided to build together. I remember when I first mentioned the situation in a blog, I had a lot of people message me, but one message in particular stood out. It was from someone in the UK who had been through a similar situation and she warned me about the relationship with the ex-wife. To cut a long story short, her new husbands’ divorce was very messy and his relationship with the children’s mother was not good. They enlisted the help of some local solicitors, like Lennon’s Solicitors in Buckinghamshire, who helped to resolve the disputes but she said it left the relationship between them all very fragmented. She kindly told me about the importance of getting along, for the children if nothing else, and I really appreciated it. Having a bad or a nonexistent relationship with my step kids mom will not help anyone in the long run – so this never seemed like an option to me. She is a wonderful mom and she has never done anything but be friendly with me and try to make me feel welcome. She was the one who told me all about how child custody works, and it was something Nick didn’t share at first. I didn’t want to push him and never asked more about it. She told me they had hired some wonderful legal professionals at Eastons who helped them when they decided to go their separate ways. This past Mother’s Day was my first since Nick and I got married. I had no idea that I qualified to celebrate this holiday, but not only did Nick surprise me with a Mother’s Day gift and a beautifully heartfelt note about how he felt about me and my role as a stepmom, I also received beautiful flowers and a gift from Nick’s ex-wife and the kids. I am incredibly fortunate to have such a caring woman as my husband’s ex-wife and the mother of my step-children.

So there it is. You know my heart now. I know this kind of thing isn’t easy to open up about, or deal with or go through. But it is so incredibly worth it. It has changed my entire life for the better and made my heart grow bigger than I ever thought possible. Please email me any questions that you may have about anything that I wrote or anything that I may have left out. I would love to hear from you!

XOXO – Em

photos by Emma Parker Photography